Walk-In Darwinian Wardrobe (Evolving Man Drawers)
Many of you will be familiar with the man drawer, usually located in the kitchen and full of ever so useful things. Well this phenomena if left unchecked can easily mutate, evolve and spread to the whole house especially for born again bachelors. In just a few months I have successfully managed to convert most of the rooms into several fully functioning walk-in Man Wardrobes. I decided to base the concept on Darwin’s theory of evolution rather than the more religious Grand-Design. The main driving principles were:
- I know where everything is until I tidy up.
- Living alone means I can’t tell someone to do it, hence it’s always my turn.
- Optimization of unused chair, table, floor and wall space.
- Activation of the “that man needs a woman instinct” in female visitors.
- You don’t need to set the table as most things are there already.
- Reduced visits to Ikea.
Survival of the fittest, inferior storage methods would eventually die out, leaving only the superior methods, hence it was only a matter of time before I had the best evolved wardrobe in the world.
I can still remember the bright mixed colours and delicate scents of that first early morning stroll through those mystic shelf-less wardrobes. A gentle scattering of lonely unmatched socks despairingly looking for a partner, twisted trouser legs and shirt sleeves cuddled together on the floor, inside out jackets reposing peacefully on voluptuous upholstered chairs as warm winter coats swayed tenderly on the banister. A long silky tie hanged emotionlessly around a curvaceous door knob, whilst on the sofa a fluffy rainbow coloured woolly scarf flirted joyfully with a crinkly blue shirt.
Evolution was still in its infancy thus the table tops and walls were still barren, although a few swashbuckling socks had found their way to a far flung light fitting. As I left I took one last lingering look and remember wondering what had happened to all my boxer shorts.
Sometimes the natural evolution process had to be halted, mainly due to unexpected visits by deeply devoted Grand Design theorists; my mum, my aunties and a couple of very nice ladies who I wanted to impress with my etchings. Unfortunately I didn’t have six days and a sudden switch to a fully working Grand Design theory was impossible, hence the Grand Design had to be imitated, and so before they arrived, all objects were stuffed into the closest available cupboard.
My religious pretence only ever lasted a few hours before I had to open the closet and reveal my Darwinian tendencies. Although I tried hard to explain the benefits, the most common reply was “I don’t want to imagine what these rooms must have looked like at the height of evolution”.
Deep in my heart I knew they were right and I needed to break my revolutionary wardrobe habits. I am now busily working on my next project, “The Taming of the Man-Wardrobe”.