Deety’s 2012 gardening tips

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The best advice I can give is to plant and harvest early and don’t bother with any late December vegetables.

Think Fresh: 2012 is not a good year for preserves. 2012 Vegetables are best eaten fresh or sold for cash. Do not give credit or accept long term payments.

Horticultural alignment is in fashion this year so place all your vegetables in rows parallel to the equator.

For wine grape growers, Vin Nouveau is your best bet to maximize profits.

For those of you who don’t like vegetables and only eat them for health reasons, then this year is a good time to stop.

Use chemical pesticides for a better crop yield and don’t worry about the long term health effects.

Garden Furniture: Not a good year to install a Mayan sundial in your garden. It will only make you feel rushed.

Magnetic pole shift: for best results plant tomatoes in an upright position and rotate by 11.25 degrees a week for 16 weeks. You can use a standard N-S compass to check their magnetic flux orientation.

If you are worried about the effects of reverse earth rotation on your veggies then the north and south poles are classified as slow centrifugal growing areas.

Moon phase planting: Note, this year the moon will only have an effect on planting whilst it is still there.

In 2012 the saying, “Today is the first day of the rest of my life” is still true although you can be much more precise about “the rest of my life”.

And remember you will not be the only one to run out of thyme this year.

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“Not a good year to install a Mayan sundial in your garden.” This is especially “timely” advice from Deety, as the Mayan Calendar — established on August 11, 3114 BC — runs out on December 21 after five millennia. No point wasting money on an awkwardly large stone device that will lose its function before the current year even ends. Unless you plan to use it for planting tomatoes, another Mayan invention (sorry, Napoli).


“Mayan Calendar runs out” After reading this article again I realised that it has quite a negative undertone, so on a positive note I would just like to say that on that day over 153,000 people will NOT be effected.