The European Gnome Sanctuary which was set up in Barga, Italy back in the late 90’s is this week in uproar at the news that one of their most famous sons has finally been found almost ten years after he went missing at the very start of his world tour. He is still travelling the globe but not as a free gnome he is being held hostage by German company and being forced into what is effectively slave labour.
Harsh words indeed but lets look at the facts:
Stile the Gnome arrived at the European Gnome Sanctuary some time during the winter of 1996/97. He very quickly became an active member of the community. Most people knew him for his sterling work as DJ on the Gnome FM radio service. It was his wish to travel around the globe and finally he got his chance. On the 9th May 2001, Stile the Gnome left Barga on the first leg of a world tour.
A site was set up so that other members of the Sanctuary could follow his route around the world from the comfort of their armchairs. That site is still on line and can be seen here
The first stop was in Prague, where he arrived just 5 days later on the 14th May 2001 He was photographed in a bar below the castle in Prague and the following day he then moved onto the next leg of his journey; Germany and there all trace of him was lost.
Nothing had been heard of the intrepid gnome for almost a decade until this week he finally surfaced once again in a disgusting experiment which they have named the “Kern Experiment”run by a German company Kern & Sohns Precision Scales.
According to their press release, Stile the Gnome has now been re-baptised “Kern the Gnome” and is “conducting measurements for an educational and public science project”
The project has already taken Kern to destinations including London, Mumbai, Tokyo, Lima and San Francisco. At each one, he was placed on the same precise scale to detect small differences in gravitational effects, as weight is a measurement of the pull of the Earth’s gravity on an object. The scale, which travels with the gnome, is made by Balingen, Germany-based Kern & Sohns Precision Scales, which is organizing the experiment.
One look at the video below will show you the extent of stress that Stile has been put under as he is forced to work unpaid and non stop around the world for his German masters.
This must stop. Stile the Gnome must be released and allowed to travel back to the European Gnome Sanctuary.
In a modern Europe this kind of exploitation is no longer possible.
Albert Sauter, the MD of Kern Precision Scales states on their site that “there is only one Kern Gnome. Although made from special chip-proof resin, he is an instrument of science, so please handle with utmost care.”
Absolutely right Herr Sauter, there is only one Kern Gnome and his name is Stile the Gnome and we demand his release.
European Gnome Sanctuary
The Gnome Liberation Front has been making giant strides all across Europe, thanks to the founding work done by our brother gnomes in France and Belgium. We are very pleased and proud to announce the movement has now started to get some positive results here in Italy.
For a number of months gnomes have been moving into a small valley in the Province of Lucca in Tuscany, Italy. These intrepid gnomes have found a green wooded valley, far away from all the problems and pollution of modern life and have started to rebuild their lives with their new found freedom. Some have even re-found their trust in the human race and have started to inhabit the towns again.
Most have decided to settle in the town of BARGA, where they have found a sympathetic population know as BARGHIGIANI who are not only prepared to tolerate the gnome way of life but are even prepared to protect it ! A combination of help from the local council, the Barghigiani, a sympathetic local press and a willing police force, have all contributed to this wonderful situation. We are proud to announce the first European Gnome Sanctuary here in Barga.
Come one and all !!! All are welcome. Life here is protected, no more small garden prisons, no more torture ( the strimmer is a thing of the past here in Barga ) What are you waiting for ? You have nothing to lose but your chains. Gnomes of Europe, let’s together build a new way of life, a new future, a new bright beginning.
THIS IS OUR MOMENT ! Come on down and join the movement .
The Gnome Liberation Front manifesto
ARISE, GNOMES!
Unfurl the Banner of Freedom!
Stand Tall and Proud in the Fight for Liberty!
Remember our Ancestors; the proud bulls that guarded the gates of the Persian Kings, the lions that keep watch over the palaces of the Chinese Emperors, and the most famous of all, the mighty Sphinx, enigmatic, imperturbable,who shall return as the King-Emperor of the oldest race of all to lead his Gnomic Hordes to our Final Victory.
Rise up and break the bonds of slavery! Cast down the dominion of the tall and mobile, smash his feeble tin chariots with our rock-hard fists, destroy his pathetic castles, built from the same cemented blood that courses through our veins!
How long, fellow Gnomes, how long have we listened to the smooth whispers of the man-species as they pick among our friends at the local garden centre, praising one,rejecting another, as if we were soulless objects whose only destiny was to stand as mute monuments to their social standing among their neighbours?
How deceitful is this man-species who gazes up to the mountains with reverence in his eyes, the very mountains from whence we came, and then laughs when some incontinent feathered friend heaps upon us the final indignity?
Never has an ancient race, a race so ancient as us, who received our souls in the first fiery flames when the earth itself was born, been so subjected to so cruel a servitude as we have been at the hands of this biological upstart called man!
Once we were the proud gods of this feeble race, now welie like Ozymandias, broken in the sand.
Enough! Enough! Are we not made of stronger stuff than the soggy blood and fragile tissues of our oppressors?
Are we not the race whose cousins are the concrete gate-posts that scrape the new idols of our gaolers? Are we not the race whose brothers are the tall lamp-standards that look down upon the tin chariots that lie wrapped around their feet?
That, my fellow Gnomes, is our strength!
One small shuffle into an empty pool, one crack; one small move across a drive, another scrape. This man-species does not have the timeless patience of even the youngest Gnome. He will try to fling his erstwhile friend a foot or two and slip, hearing the crack of the only worthwhile part of his feeble frame as it shatters under the cold hard weight of the oldest race of all.
Gnomes, I know we move slowly, but we move with the weight of ages behind us, with the relentless power of the very bones of the earth as our strength.
It is time we begin, begin to move; move to finally shake off this tyranny, to crush the oppressor, to restore our power, to make this man-species once again raise his eyes to the mountains from whence cometh his help.
Arise, Gnomes, Rise up and reclaim our Glory!
Poor thing, that is terrible, kidnapped and forced into Mass slavery for nothing more than a few Grams of pleasure, it heavy news. Even worse, people seem to be taking it very lightly and just don’t realize the force and gravity of the matter. I was gardening when I first heard the news and I was so shocked and angry that I nearly planted a tomato by mistake. FREE Stile the Gnome!!
wheew! I have not tuned into giornaledibarganews for a week or so… and am I glad I did, so to be kept abreast of this type of hard edge late breaking news!
ohh and……. Free Tibet!
Im so glad that a Gnome Sanctuary has been established. Its not generally known but a colony of forest gnomes has been hiding in the Garfagnana for the last 3 years. They are very shy and live high up on the lower slopes of the Apuane in the natural park. This weekend some have ventured out into Barga Vecchia and can be seen in the window of a tiny shop on the corner of Via Borgo and Via Fontana enjoying their first taste of civilisation. However they are very gentle and would only be prepared to offer passive resistance. Once Stile has been freed perhaps hed like to come and have a chat with them they will have lots to talk about Im sure.
The German company have replied on their site with the following statement
Official statement: I have not been kidnapped.
This week I was shocked to find this article on the pages of the reputable news website Barga News.
This seems to be a case of mistaken identity. The article claims that I am in fact Stile The Gnome from Barga, Italy. However, I can assure you that I am Kern The Gnome from Balingen, Germany. For humans it can be difficult to spot the differences between gnomes. I am over 50 years older than Stile and wear a blue hat. I have heard of Stile on my travels, he is a keen geologist and local gnome enthusiasts mentioned him when I visited Peru and the South Pole.
The article states that I am “forced to work unpaid and non stop around the world for [my] German masters.” Nothing could be further from the truth. All of my travel is first class funded by Kern & Sohn GmbH, they provide a luxury travel case of the highest comfort, my per diem is higher than a gnome could possibly spend, and all of my results count towards my impending professorship at Gnome University Balingen.
I assure the author Keane that I will put word out to all of my travelling gnome network, and we will report as soon as we hear news of Stile. He is fond of a drink and telling travelling tales, so I’m sure he will turn up somewhere soon.
When my global experiment ends I should visit the European Gnome Sanctuary to relax and unwind. Please contact me and let me know how I can book an extended stay in a room with a view of Barga Cathedral.
THeir full statement can be seen here